Monday, March 19, 2012

"I don't know your life, bitch!" - a true story


The last time I came back from visiting my folks, I made sure to bring a number of my old books and notebooks back to San Francisco. Inside of those notebooks were loose pieces of paper that I've kept over the years for one reason or another.

The images you see here were all drawn on the opposite side of a "Whole Foods Employee of the Month" certificate, which is really just a computer printout of an unflattering photo of me (which is why you do not see it here) with some random facts about myself.

My friends Jon and Alexis and I were sitting at a coffee shop when Jon told us a funny story about one of his relatives.

Jon's aunt or uncle (I can't remember, but it doesn't make a difference to the story) was on a business trip out of town, staying at a hotel with not a lot of food options nearby.

After a long plane flight, they checked in to their hotel and decided to go to KFC, which was the closet restaurant and seemed most appetizing at the time. Despite the KFC being clean inside, it was empty except for one visible KFC employee and one customer.


The woman working behind the counter had an intricate hairdo and extremely long false fingernails. As she waited for the customer to place her order, she leaned on the counter and scratched her head with one of her long acrylics.

The one customer in the store finally made up her mind and ordered a family meal, enough food for four people. The worker, continuing to scratch her head with the fake nail, looked at the lady and asked "Do you want that for here, or to go?"

The customer was clearly offended. She started yelling and cursing at the KFC worker, asking her what the hell her problem was, why did she think she would want to eat a family sized meal all by herself, et cetera et cetera.

The KFC worker didn't blink an eye and said, "I don't know your life. Bitch."

When I tell the story I like to add in that extra pause before the word "bitch," for dramatic effect.


I don't know why we all found the story to be so funny, but the last time Alexis and I were together we told the story to my friend, Newel. We still crack up telling it. "I don't know your life, bitch" was a favorite catchphrase among my friends for a little while.

Sidenote: "Talk About It" written in script in the first image is a saying my friend Jon and I used to say, derived from a moment when I misspoke and said "talk about it" when I meant to say "tell me about it." I took that phrase and adapted it for the title of my zine, Be About It.
Do you have a similarly ridiculous story that has stuck around with you over the years? Tell it to me here!

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