Today I'm proud to host Pickelope's guest post on this blog, which struck a chord for me because I also tend to daydream and when I do it tends to be about something absurd or horrific. Please enjoy, and if you aren't reading Pickelope's blog yet, then you should follow today!
Also, I'm still looking for guest posts. If you'd like to comment on a recent post on this blog, to agree or disagree, send me an email and let's chat :)
Aww, Pickelope's doing the "Tsaritsa-Shalimar teardrop tattoo" pose :) Love it!
Thank you first of all to the Tsaritsa (one of the coolest names for a blog, way better than my first choice of “Blogateria” or my second choice, “The Pol Pot Fun Dome” which just wasn’t appropriate) for the chance to guest on her beautiful blog.
Strangely, giving jokes away for free on the internet has not made me wildly wealthy, and thus I work a day job. Like many office jobs, my job consists of countless hours sacrificed to meetings. Most of these meetings are pointless and so my mind tends to wander.
I think about major tragedies suddenly occurring. One of my fears is dying in a spectacularly strange way. Recently a jet crashed into an apartment complex. It’s something like that which terrifies me. So, while in the meeting I start to think about what would happen if a rhino came rampaging through. My death would be a footnote compared to the oddity of a rampaging rhino in an office. Or if a CIA airplane crop dusted the area with lethal amounts of LSD then there’s weird video on the news with me dancing naked in the street to the Phish concert in my head right before getting hit by a bus. Is that unreasonable?
Another completely rational fear I have is what would happen if I suddenly had stigmata? Do I finish out my day or do I quit and go on a world tour trying to cure maladies like a miracle maker? Could I come in the next day and pretend like nothing happened? “Oh, the sudden bleeding palms? That was just an allergic reaction. But I can speak in tongues now which is fun.” What does the HR person say to you, “Uh, your stigmata is making the office uncomfortable. In particular, the atheists are offended by your spontaneous religious injuries. You’ll have to wrap those up with a bandage or a sock or something.” I’d probably keep working because I’m terrified of change and because many of my coworkers need salvation.
Aside from fears, my mind also dreams of how to make the meetings better. Like if whoever is speaking would suddenly pause and say, “For the rest of the meeting I will be singing the state of our financials to the tune of a Twisted Sister song of your choice.” Or if during the conference call, the person on the phone, without explanation, starts talking in a baby voice, “You like ‘em d’ pwetty pwofit mawgins? Yes you do! Yes you do!”
Meetings are so mundane I often think about doing something to break up the repetition, like bringing in a pie laced with fast-acting laxatives or putting on a top hat and monocle or challenging my boss to a duel (I’d use a white glove and slap his face) or hire a male stripper to show up dressed as a cop, ANYTHING so it wasn’t so boring.
I also craft plans to escape, drawing diagrams like it’s an escape from Alcatraz. For instance, I’d bring one of those fake blood capsules and if things get unbearable, I bite down and let the fake blood seep out of my mouth. My biggest problem is that I didn’t establish when I fist got hired that I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome. If I had, every meeting would be done in 15 minutes at which point I’d clutch my butt and yell “IBS!” as I ran out of the room.
Or, if all else fails, I think about how hilarious Bill Murray would be walking into an orgy. Hopefully this helped you if you languish in meetings all day.
Again, a big thank you to the Tsaritsa for her generosity of bandwidth.
Also, I'm still looking for guest posts. If you'd like to comment on a recent post on this blog, to agree or disagree, send me an email and let's chat :)
Aww, Pickelope's doing the "Tsaritsa-Shalimar teardrop tattoo" pose :) Love it!
Thank you first of all to the Tsaritsa (one of the coolest names for a blog, way better than my first choice of “Blogateria” or my second choice, “The Pol Pot Fun Dome” which just wasn’t appropriate) for the chance to guest on her beautiful blog.
Strangely, giving jokes away for free on the internet has not made me wildly wealthy, and thus I work a day job. Like many office jobs, my job consists of countless hours sacrificed to meetings. Most of these meetings are pointless and so my mind tends to wander.
I think about major tragedies suddenly occurring. One of my fears is dying in a spectacularly strange way. Recently a jet crashed into an apartment complex. It’s something like that which terrifies me. So, while in the meeting I start to think about what would happen if a rhino came rampaging through. My death would be a footnote compared to the oddity of a rampaging rhino in an office. Or if a CIA airplane crop dusted the area with lethal amounts of LSD then there’s weird video on the news with me dancing naked in the street to the Phish concert in my head right before getting hit by a bus. Is that unreasonable?
Another completely rational fear I have is what would happen if I suddenly had stigmata? Do I finish out my day or do I quit and go on a world tour trying to cure maladies like a miracle maker? Could I come in the next day and pretend like nothing happened? “Oh, the sudden bleeding palms? That was just an allergic reaction. But I can speak in tongues now which is fun.” What does the HR person say to you, “Uh, your stigmata is making the office uncomfortable. In particular, the atheists are offended by your spontaneous religious injuries. You’ll have to wrap those up with a bandage or a sock or something.” I’d probably keep working because I’m terrified of change and because many of my coworkers need salvation.
Aside from fears, my mind also dreams of how to make the meetings better. Like if whoever is speaking would suddenly pause and say, “For the rest of the meeting I will be singing the state of our financials to the tune of a Twisted Sister song of your choice.” Or if during the conference call, the person on the phone, without explanation, starts talking in a baby voice, “You like ‘em d’ pwetty pwofit mawgins? Yes you do! Yes you do!”
Meetings are so mundane I often think about doing something to break up the repetition, like bringing in a pie laced with fast-acting laxatives or putting on a top hat and monocle or challenging my boss to a duel (I’d use a white glove and slap his face) or hire a male stripper to show up dressed as a cop, ANYTHING so it wasn’t so boring.
I also craft plans to escape, drawing diagrams like it’s an escape from Alcatraz. For instance, I’d bring one of those fake blood capsules and if things get unbearable, I bite down and let the fake blood seep out of my mouth. My biggest problem is that I didn’t establish when I fist got hired that I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome. If I had, every meeting would be done in 15 minutes at which point I’d clutch my butt and yell “IBS!” as I ran out of the room.
Or, if all else fails, I think about how hilarious Bill Murray would be walking into an orgy. Hopefully this helped you if you languish in meetings all day.
Again, a big thank you to the Tsaritsa for her generosity of bandwidth.
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