For your reading pleasure, today I have a very funny guest post from Wily Guy of It's My Mind!
I got an email from him last week expressing interest in a guest spot here at TTS [should I abbreviate my blog that way? I have mixed feelings, it looks a little too much like the acronym for "toxic shock syndrome," and that's not a positive thing. So what should I call this blog in brief? The Sez? Your thoughts in the comments below, please].
Anyway, apparently he's been creepin on this blog, so I checked out his site and he seems like a cool dude. You should check it out too. And without any further ado...
I got an email from him last week expressing interest in a guest spot here at TTS [should I abbreviate my blog that way? I have mixed feelings, it looks a little too much like the acronym for "toxic shock syndrome," and that's not a positive thing. So what should I call this blog in brief? The Sez? Your thoughts in the comments below, please].
Anyway, apparently he's been creepin on this blog, so I checked out his site and he seems like a cool dude. You should check it out too. And without any further ado...
So I'm taking Shaggy and Teenwolf to school this morning when the complaints begin.
Shaggy: Dad, you're totally messing with us by switching places on the driveway.
Me: You should get used to that...
Shaggy: Messing with us or the switched places?
Me: Yes.
Shaggy: I thought you didn't want the Suburban parked there.
Me: Well, by parking it in front of the window, we cut down who can see in, especially when they come the wrong way down the one way street.
Shaggy: I thought you wanted to keep the window clear?
Me: Well, I found that with the Suburban parked there, although flashes of me can be seen, mainly people only see from my upper chest up. That allows me to walk around naked more often.
Teenwolf: ARGH! Now, I'm blind in my mind's eye.
Me: Just one of the services I offer.
Teenwolf: I thought Sarcasm was the service you offer?
Me: The catalog of my services is almost without limit.
Teenwolf: Is there a written copy of that catalog?
Me: After this conversation, you really want this in print? Think, things I can't get at Target.
Teenwolf: So, Gila Monster?
Me: If that's what you want to call it...
Teenwolf: I'm just going to stop now...
So what WOULD that catalog look like? What services DO I offer?
1. Wisdom born of experience and age.
Example #1: Son, I don't think that fishing equipment is an inside toy.
Example #2: You know, asking a woman her age is generally a bad idea.
Example #3: Drinking and driving is a bad idea, whether you're 18, 81, or any age in between.
2. Sarcasm that comes from trying to be wise and coming closer to wise-ass.
3. Brutal honesty, why offer honesty when you can add extra-value.
Shaggy: Dad, you're totally messing with us by switching places on the driveway.
Me: You should get used to that...
Shaggy: Messing with us or the switched places?
Me: Yes.
 |
| Almost can't see the blog, can you? |
Me: Well, by parking it in front of the window, we cut down who can see in, especially when they come the wrong way down the one way street.
Shaggy: I thought you wanted to keep the window clear?
Me: Well, I found that with the Suburban parked there, although flashes of me can be seen, mainly people only see from my upper chest up. That allows me to walk around naked more often.
Teenwolf: ARGH! Now, I'm blind in my mind's eye.
Me: Just one of the services I offer.
Teenwolf: I thought Sarcasm was the service you offer?
Me: The catalog of my services is almost without limit.
Teenwolf: Is there a written copy of that catalog?
Me: After this conversation, you really want this in print? Think, things I can't get at Target.
Teenwolf: So, Gila Monster?Me: If that's what you want to call it...
Teenwolf: I'm just going to stop now...
So what WOULD that catalog look like? What services DO I offer?
1. Wisdom born of experience and age.
Example #1: Son, I don't think that fishing equipment is an inside toy.
Example #2: You know, asking a woman her age is generally a bad idea.
Example #3: Drinking and driving is a bad idea, whether you're 18, 81, or any age in between.
2. Sarcasm that comes from trying to be wise and coming closer to wise-ass.
Example #1: Why wouldn't you try fly fishing, you're really good at trying stuff.
Example #2: Clearly, your approach with women works, and you should point that out when you hit on them. I think "my dad said you were hot back in the day" is a great opener.
Example #3: I'm sure you can handle your alcohol, given your youth and vast drinking experience, even if you're 110 pounds.
3. Brutal honesty, why offer honesty when you can add extra-value.
Example #1: Fishing isn't a career in the northern states, why don't you try studying?
Example #2: All the wisdom of Solomon won't help you understand women. Stop trying.
Example #3: If you practice the alphabet backwards enough, you can probably get out of a DUI ticket, unless the officer brought his brain.
4. Blinding you with my hands behind my back
Example #1: Fishing naked is a REALLY bad idea, I can show you a scar I got one time...
Example #2: Never forget how old your Mom is or when her birthday is... In the end, I get blamed for it and I don't get to have sex for a month.
Example #3: Drinking and picking up women is a really horrible idea, you never know what you'll be scratching and taking anti-biotics for.
5. Embarrassment in front of your friends
Example #1: I cleaned out your waders for you, just because you're in a river doesn't mean you should do that...
Example #2: Hey sport, you've got a way with women, probably the breast feeding until you were 11 helped.
Example #3: If there is drinking at that party tonight, call me... I'm always up for a high school keg party.
6. Long stories that I should really hold until I have grandchildren who can't run away.
Example #1: Have I ever told you about old Jack?
Example #2: Your mother and I met when I was just 27 and life had only beat me down a little...
Example #3: Back in the day, we didn't have smart phones, smart cars, or beer that told you when it was cold, but we had gumption.
I feel like I have the makings for a truly legitimate catalog of services. Hurry, while the buy 2 get 1 free sale is going on.
No comments:
Post a Comment